Parents & Family

“Mum, Dad I’m gay”

    

It is never easy for parents when their children tell them something which they find difficult. From the moment of their birth you have planned their whole lives in your head; where they will go to school, college; the people you would like them to meet, marry, set up home with and the type of grandchildren you would like them to have. You have all the Christmas’s and family get togethers in your mind and then something comes along that seems to shatter all of these ideas.

“Why are they telling me?… I’d prefer not to know”

This maybe your reaction initially. You feel let down, hurt that all of those aspirations you had for them are now gone.

Amidst the barrage of emotions it may be a good idea to take a step back and realise what has just happened. Your child, in his vulnerable state has disclosed something so close and personal to them, entrusting this knowledge to you as their parent because they do not want to lie and live an unhealthy double life. In short it is a coded “I love you Mum or Dad and I respect you and want to include you in my life”.

Try to put yourself in your child’s shoes. Try and imagine how difficult it would be when you are unable to talk about who you are attracted to; how you feel about a certain person or even where or with whom you socialise. To live a lie and ignore your sexuality which is an integral part of you, can be emotionally damaging and isolating.

“Could they just not keep it to themselves?”

            Keeping such a secret to oneself can be detrimental to ones mental and physical well being. It is well documented that gay or bisexual children are up to seven times more likely to take their own life because of bullying and a general lack of self esteem. Many of them drift into substance abuse or risky sexual behaviour. Anorexia and bulimia are other consequences of increased stress of being a gay or bisexual child.  The difficulties which some children experience in talking openly about their sexuality to anyone can leave them very isolated and depressed.

          Given the discrimination gays and bisexuals can suffer because of who they are, try and remember the courage they needed in ‘coming out’ to you.

What to do?

            Because of the world we live in and our socialisation, our upbringing, and our religious viewpoints, it may be hard to cope when your child tells you that they are gay or bisexual.

          The first reaction is normally shock and disbelief. You may feel fear and sadness for your child, and for yourself, anger, revulsion, shame and dismay. You may think it is just a passing phase. You may look for someone to blame; television, friends or even yourself. Often you may feel a sense of loss; the persons whom you thought you knew so well seems to have changed. Pain, tears and sleepless nights generally accompany the impact of the news because you worry what your family will think, will your child be save on the streets and will they get AIDS?

            These are all common feelings and reactions of parents who have heard the news about their child.  The important thing for you is how do you cope? Your child has probably come to terms with their sexual orientation and felt comfortable in themselves to ‘come out’ to you. Now it’s your turn to deal with this the best way you can.

          The shock of hearing your child is gay or bisexual can last for hours, days, weeks, months or even years. No two parents react the same way. Give yourself time to come to terms with the new situation. Tell your child that you need time to adjust. They may not realise that the news may be shocking to you. It is to your advantage to try and adapt and not reject your child.

          Some people cannot accept the fact of their child’s sexuality and will not discuss the subject with anyone. They live in denial which doesn’t make the fact that they have a gay or bisexual child go away.

            It is best to talk to someone you trust about how you feel, your fears, your frustrations, your anger and your grief. Be honest about how you feel. This may all be new to you and there are no right or wrong ways to deal with it.

Listening to and speaking with other parents who are coping, or those who now understand their child’s individuality, may make you feel less alone.

          When you are ready to talk to your child about how you feel, ask them how they are feeling too. They are likely to feel relieved, scared or uncertain about your reaction and how their sexuality will affect their relationship with you. Ask them the questions you want answered but remember they may be as unsure or as confused about the situation as you are.

“What does it mean to be gay or bisexual?”

            Being gay or bisexual is not just about physical attraction, but encompasses the same need we all have to love another person and be loved by that person. Regardless of our sexual orientation, we all have the same basic emotional needs, some of us want to be in a relationship others don’t.

          At times you may have heard gay or bisexual people spoken of as if their entire existence was limited only to their sexuality, but this is only one part of their being or how they define themselves. Throughout history many of our great writers, poets, actors, scientists, artists, thinkers, sports men and women , philosophers, musicians and politicians were gay or bisexual.

          There are many figures in contemporary life who are gay or bisexual (Senator David Norris, Elton John, Brian Dowling, Graham Norton).

Remember that 10% (at least) of the population of the world are gay or bisexual.

I think my child is a lesbian, gay or bisexual

            Sometimes parents think that their child may be lesbian, gay or bisexual, but because their child has not talked about it, parents may not know how to approach the subject.

          For many reasons gay or bisexual young people may not tell their parents about how they are feeling. They may not be aware of their own sexuality yet and, if they are, they may be having difficulties in coming to terms with it. Some may not tell their parents for fear of rejection; others may feel, and even hope that “it is just a phase”, “It will pass” and therefore there is no need to tell anyone.

          Some children may feel insulted and upset by raising the suggestion that they are gay or bisexual. Approaching the subject indirectly may be a good way to start. You could begin by talking to your child about sex and relationships. You could emphasise that you want them to be happy and secure and that you will always support them no matter what life decisions they make.

          If you can show that you are relaxed about talking about sexuality and make sure that you have all the necessary facts then your child may be more likely to talk to you about how they are feeling.

“Where did I go wrong?”

            It is normal to want someone or something to blame. You may ask yourself “Did I not love them enough?”, “Did I love them too much?”, “Did their friends influence them?”, “Have they had a bad experience which made this happen?”, ”Did an older person encourage them?”

          Most people know of their sexual orientation from a very young age (as early as nine). If you think or believe that being gay or bisexual is wrong then you will always be searching for explanations. Parents are not responsible for their children’s sexuality. Many people have searched for the reasons and some have written theories, but that’s all they are, theories. No one really knows. Try not to blame yourself and don’t blame your child

          It is no one’s fault and your child, whatever their sexuality, is simply a human being with the same feelings and needs, to love and to be loved.

“What will everyone think?”

            Fear is a natural reaction. Fear for your child, fear of what people will say, fear of the unknown, fear because things will change.

          You may also fear for their happiness, but remember that relationships are never easy for any of us, no matter what your sexuality.

You may fear what the neighbours will say, but who is more important, your neighbours or your child?

You may fear what you do not understand, so educate yourself about the facts rather than believing the myths.

You will never fully understand what it means to gay or bisexual but you do not have to. Just try to be as supportive and as loving as you have always been.

          Try and not reject your child even if you fell dismayed, repulsed or sad. Your child’s sexuality is as natural to them as your sexuality is to you. If you find this difficult to accept, try to understand that your child is an individual with the right to lead their own life.

“Who should I tell?”

            Often when a gay or bisexual child ‘comes out’ to their parents they feel relieved. Many parents however many feel that their child’s “burden” or “problem” has been transferred on them. Your child’s sexuality is often not the burden or the problem, but how you fell about it or how you react to it, may be. These feelings are common and you may want to talk about them or simply tell someone else.

 

          So, who do you turn to? Who do you tell? How will your family and friends react? What should you tell your other children? Will they understand? The questions are endless. Be patient. Take as much time as you need to explore how you feel. Allow yourself time to get used to the idea.

          Take your time in order to think, to question, to talk, to listen, to discuss, to share, to learn and to adapt. You may decide you need to talk to someone who will listen and be sensitive. This could be your partner, another family member, your GP, a counsellor or therapist, your minister or priest. Please remember that like you, they may never have had experience of dealing with a situation like this and may even respond negatively. So think carefully before you decide who to tell or whom you should turn to.

          If there is someone you feel you want to tell, you should discuss this with your child first. Why? By telling another person about your child’s sexuality you are automatically ‘outing’ them to that person and you may have no way of judging their reaction. Remember, it may have taken your child some time before telling you that they are gay or bisexual for fear of rejection. So be sensitive and talk with your child first.

          Your child may wish to inform other people themselves and in their own time or they may prefer you to do this for them, for example, telling their brothers or sisters, grandparents, relatives or close family friends. This may be difficult for you, but remember it is a good thing that your child is coming to you for help.

“Should I tell my other children?”

            Many parents with other children frequently ask this question. Your child may have already ‘come out’ to a brother or sister before telling you, so ask your child if any of your children already know. If they don’t you should discuss with your child first whether or not to tell them.

          When it comes to considering whether to tell younger children in the family, many parents feel they shouldn’t tell them at an early age. It is worth considering, would your gay or bisexual son not have found it much easier in their early years to know that not all people are heterosexual?

          With younger children you can approach the subject by talking about different kinds of love without needing to be specific. Later on when they are older you could answer their questions as openly and honestly as possible.

          For parents with a gay or bisexual child, ‘coming out’ to others may not always be easy. Each time will be an achievement to feel good about, even if it has a negative reaction, those who have been told will at least realise that ordinary families can have lesbian, gay or bisexual members.

“Is there a choice?” 

            Sexual orientation is not something we choose, it is something which is formed within us. There is no conclusive evidence to prove why someone is born heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.  It is important not to stereotype or label your children, but instead to allow them to define their own sexuality.

          For various reasons, whether they be personal, cultural or religious, some people may be unhappy being attracted to members of their own sex and may look for support to explore the reasons why.

          While it may often be helpful to provide support to someone who wishes to explore their options, for others, it is not. In either case the views and wishes of your child should be respected, even if their views differ from yours.

 

 

“What about religion?”

          All of the main Christian denominations, together with most traditional faiths, have taken the view that sexual activity is only appropriate between members of the opposite sex who are married to each other.

          The Catholic Church have no problem with homosexuals per se (it is ok to be gay). What they have a problem with his homosexual genital acts. You maybe lucky to have an open minded member of the Church in your parish/area and talking with him or her could be of some comfort to you.

          At this point in your child’s ‘coming out’ – their happiness and wellbeing is of greater importance. So worrying about something that is completely hypocritical and archaic is wasted energy.

“What about partners?”

            Your child telling you that they have a partner may be something you dread, as it is all so different from your expectations for their adult life.

 

          If you find it difficult, try taking some time to adjust to the news. Disapproval will not only hurt your child but may drive them away from you altogether. Take one step at a time. Encourage your child to tell you about their partner by having the usual conversation; where are they are from…What they do for living. By doing this you will let your child know that you care about their happiness and that you are interested in what is going on in their lives. The fact that you are able to speak about their partner will give an indication that even though you may be having some difficulty dealing with this situation, you are willing to try and accept it.

          The next step could be meeting your child and his partner for a coffee or suggest going out for dinner in a restaurant. Get to know your child’s partner as a person and not just as your child’s same sex partner.

“How can I support my child?”

            Many parents want to support their child in whatever way they can, but some find it extremely difficult to do this when it comes to sexual orientation. Parents may feel that they are not in a position to provide support because they know little or nothing about being lesbian, gay or bisexual. As with all children, no matter what age – your love is the best support you can give.

          When your child ‘comes out; to you, it is best not to let the matter sink into silence. You and your child may need some time to adjust to the news but try not to leave it hanging. When you feel ready, try to take the initiative by talking to your child. It is important to let them know that you still love them. You could also try discussing some of the issues you both face such as:

“How do they feel about their sexuality?”, “Do they have any lesbian, gay or bisexual friends or contacts?” and “Would you like me to meet them?”

          By asking these questions you will open up communication between you and your child and reassure them that you will be there for them should they need you. It may also be a good idea to give them information on helplines, support organisations and groups which exist. While it is good to talk to your child and while you may feel you have many questions you want answered, there may be questions which they cannot answer or some questions which they cannot answer or some questions which they are still seeking answers to for themselves. Try to strike a balance between talking and listening.